Dear Bean,
Your sister has named you. Your dad and I haven’t settled on another name, so Bean it is, for now at least. You’re going to love her. She probably won’t be able to leave you alone for a while and she loves you already. When she catches a glimpse of my belly, she says, “Hi, baby!” and sometimes gives you a kiss. We talk about you and she has a new baby doll to practice being gentle. I’m a big sister too, so I know. I know how she’ll want to take care of you and protect you always. You kick harder when I’m holding her, so maybe you know about her already.
There was a baby between you, in my belly for a few fleeting weeks. I cried tears of joy at the positive pregnancy test and then tears of grief the next day when it was clear that it was ending. There are more and deeper emotions in motherhood than anything else I have ever experienced. I am not the same as I was before, and I know I never will be. Childbirth is new life in more ways than one.
I love being pregnant. It’s nothing short of miraculous, and I don’t think I’ll ever get over it. Feeling you move inside me, watching my belly grow, hearing your heartbeat with the doctor. It’s still a little shocking to me to see you on the sonogram, your tiny bones and brain and heart and kidneys, a whole person where there was only empty space before. I see you waving your little limbs around and it’s surreal. I can’t wait to see your face.
You’re going to love your dad, too. He’ll tickle you and snuggle you and pray with you and make you delicious breakfasts and teach you everything he knows. You don’t know him yet, but he really is the best. He’s also different than he was before, although you’ll never know him as anything but your dad. I knew him as a busy little boy, a confident teenager, then my boyfriend who was learning to become an adult. He became my seminarian husband, my supporter, my very best friend and partner in everything, a man and a priest, a father and a Father. Watching him love your sister has been one of the deepest joys of my life. I can’t wait for you to join us.
Love,
your mama
Great is Thy Faithfulness 